Ringing in da 2012!!! (NSFW)

Hi friends and lovers!! Did that (NSFW) draw you in? Good! Because what it stands for is Now: (for) Some Funny Words. Haaaa fooled ya! But now that you're on this page, might as well see what I'm going to say, right? Let's see if it's worth it!

I know I promised to update this Westward Hoe blog more, and it turned out that "more" meant "not at all".  I apologize, but, seriously how much is a promise worth on the internet? Absolutely nothing. So I'm not going to feel too badly about it. I'm going to take the pressure off myself to update this, which will hopefully reverse psychology myself to do the opposite. "Reverse Psychology" is now a verb I think!!

HAVE I LOST YOUR ATTENTION YET?  I PROMISE TO MAKE THIS ENTERTAINING. Do we need a picture? Let's see what's on the hard drive.

Me and my new LA boyfriend. lol how embarrassing he made me take it

And while I am not going to feel bad for not updating more, because it's a new year, there are some things I genuinely DO feel badly about and could probably do better for 2012. Real quick, I'm just going to list off some things I want to apologize for doing this year.

Firstly, and most importantly I want to apologize (to no deity or person in particular) for not celebrating Yom Kippur this year in the least. It is the ONE thing I both observe every year as a Jewish person AND that I actually take seriously, and just because I forgot the date and booked a plane ticket to Portland didn't mean I had to totally disregard the holiday to get drunk and eat food that most likely wasn't even kosher. I mean, I don't know what choice I HAD once I had a ticket booked but I feel bad irregardless. Next year I promise to fast and repent so hard that Judaism gives me another chance.

Secondly, I want to apologize for texting and driving all the time. LA traffic makes it SO easy to do. I realize I am putting myself in danger but jeez, it's like nowadays if you don't respond to texts and emails right away, you are 12 steps behind in the rat race. So I don't know which sacrifice to make.

Thirdly...I can't think of too much else right now, partially because one of my mottos in life is 'no regrets' so I'm happy to keep this short.

Hmmm. If it sounds like I'm not putting enough stock into "The New Year" or "What a New Year Means", I'd like to share some wisdom that one of my coworkers told me recently.

"I hate New Years. Here's why. Everyone thinks it's a time to start over and do things better. And yet everyone hates Mondays. Are you kidding me? Monday is every week's New Years! You can do something better for yourself every week of the year!"

I don't know, that was kind of inspiring. I have to agree with him. And how fitting that I'm writing this post on a MONDAY. Life is incredible like that.

I have more thoughts (WHAT? I DO?) but they are unrelated to New Years, half ass apologies or 2012, so I'll leave them to the next post.


And fine, I will leave something here that is actually NSFW:
Most inappropriate thing I've seen in my life.


Til next time!!!!

Good times to play Leonard Cohen

--When putting someone sleeping in a trunk.

--When swimming through molasses.

--When making some bombs.

--When you are really high and for some reason your itunes is malfunctioning and can't play either Radiohead, Phish, Miles Davis, Yanni, Bjork, LFO or Barbra Streisand.

--When your class assignment is to sit at home and try and imagine what it was like to be Jeffrey Dahmer.

--When reading Beowulf.

--When you hate a kid you are babysitting for and then play it at night when they are sleeping and then they don't know why, but they have negative thoughts associated with you and ask their mom not to have you over anymore, problem solved.

I'M BACK + Completely Free Coffee Training Manual

I know, I know. This blog has taken a very decisive nose dive in the last few weeks.  I haven't updated and anyone (I mean, the millions) who have gone to this website recently see a post about me not making my bed. Very sorry about that. Despite that post, I actually have been doing things with myself in my two months since moving to Los Angeles and I will do a better job to convey them here. 

I have two jobs to support my rent and living (drinking). One of them is being a barista (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG HERE IT WAS A VERY HARD JOB TO GET), which I only do one/two days a week because it takes me out of Westwood all the way to West Hollywood, so I can feel like I live in LA and not just UCLA fantasy camp. I enjoy this job because I open the shop at 6am and for the most part serve the coffee by myself; thus I feel very big and important and independent.

Welcome to my shop! As one of several baristas, I think I can call it my own!

Unexpectedly, this job came in handy when my lovely friend Nora called me from NYC asking if I could tell her some things about being a barista so she could apply for a barista job, as she too is going to Writing School and let's face it, all writers should be baristas. Right? Makes sense to me.

Long story short, I ended up writing a mini-manual.  In the end, her barista interview turned out to be delivering crepes for a Russian mobster (sooo NYC), and while she DID see Jake Gyllenhaal run into the store (HOMINAHOMINAstoryforadifferentblogwriteitNora), that barista job was not to be. 

HOWEVER, she reassured me that my manual was very helpful and should be published somewhere for others to see. So for the Unemployed and Underpaid who are desperately needing Any Job They Can Get, don't say I never did anything for you:

Just thought we needed a quick picture break

MY BARISTA TRAINING MANUAL

Welcome New Barista!  This is your training manual.  In it you will find the most helpful and fast steps to becoming your city’s best provider of coffee and other caffeinated (an non caffeinated beverages).  I’ll see you at the top!

First thing’s first! 

Coffee! The most simple thing to provide, and also the most frequently ordered.  Can you believe how many people just want a simple cup of coffee in the mornings? Every time a customer orders a tall coffee, you silently thank them because all you have to do is push on a carafe and watch the coffee come out into a cup. Can you believe you are getting paid for this? What a cool job!

The only trick to serving coffee is to NOT RUN OUT.  Always make sure there is a backup carafe and to keep that backup full as much as you can.  If someone wants Decaf, well then pour the damn Decaf.  Sometimes people will ask for a half-and-half, or a Half-Caf.  This might throw you off until you remember your logic. In that case, dear barista-in-training--you will pour half coffee and half decaf into a cup. WHAT A CONCEPT, EH?

Next up is the world of Espresso.  Not quite as easy as pushing the coffee carafe.  Every time a customer orders an Espresso drink, you may not feel as warmly towards them. Resist the urge, barista-in-training, to show any signs of discomfort or pain. Remember--if you can do this, you can do it all.

Your place of work should have a. an espresso grinder b. a tamper c. portafilter and d. the machine itself

If I could draw pictures on here I would, but I can’t, because this is basically a Word Document. So I’m going to direct you to this link

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-an-Espresso-(Espresso-Machine-Coffee)

Start the video at step 3 (ignore the stuff about adding water and grinding.  Your coffee shop’s machines should do that all on its own unless it’s the poorest coffee shop on the planet. In this case try looking elsewhere for work.) and you should get the general idea of how to make a shot of espresso.

Now--THE NITTY GRITY:

If someone orders a double latte, they want two shots of espresso with steamed milk.  Double nonfat latte= two shots of espresso with nonfat milk.  Single soy latte= one shot of espresso with steamed soy milk. Always pour the espresso first, then the milk. Someday you may pour the milk so well that you get fancy shapes! Don't think I can't see you smiling about this!

STEAMING MILK:  Pour milk into a metal container-cup (35% up for a single, 50% up for a double. THESE ARE GUESTIMATIONS SEE WHAT YOUR TRAINER SAYS DON’T BLAME ME IF YOU GET FIRED) Then stick the steaming wand into the cup and turn the steaming knob on.  Milk is ready when the metal container becomes almost too hot to touch.  Almost meaning, don’t burn your hand.  To make Cappuccinos, do the same as Lattes but use more FOAM than steamed milk.

To make FOAM, steam the milk and “Stretch” it by pulling the wand out slowly, so it bubbles at the top of the milk.  Honestly, just Youtube ‘stretching steamed milk’ or ‘making foam’ to see it. Sort of hard to explain here.

Did you get all that?  It’s a lot, I know--and I kind of came at you real fast, but the great news is: you now know how to do about 90% of barista duties.

Let’s kick it into overdrive! 

Other drinks include:

Cafe Au Lait: Half Coffee, half steamed milk.  What? You already know HOW to steam milk! Great job!

Macchiato: A little bit of foam on top of a shot of espresso (a double macchiato would be foam on top of 2 shots. right??)

Mocha: A latte with cocoa powder or chocolate syrup at the bottom of the cup. Chocolate goes in first!  If its vanilla syrup, why then its a Vanilla latte! You know so FREAKING MUCH YOU AWESOME BARISTA!

Americano: Espresso and hot water. It’s sort of like coffee but not, right?  Only trick here it to pour the water first.  Otherwise the espresso shots burn the bottom of the (paper) coffee cup. Or something. I don’t know. Maybe that’s an old wive's tale. It’s what someone told me once. I think it tastes better that way. Just do it.

Hot Tea: Stick a goddamned tea bag in some mothafuckin water dumb dumb!

Tea latte: Stick a mothafuckin tea bag in half a thing of water and pour some steamed milk into that biznas, you hot bitch!

If someone orders an Iced latte, you hug and kiss them because you don't have to steam the milk!! They have just given you the gift of doing a simple task: Ice in a cup, espresso, and cold milk from the carton.  If its an Iced Chai, bless their heart, all you have to do it pour cold milk and chai concentrate in a cup over ice. BLESS THOSE LITTLE DEARS they are making your job simple! You are getting paid for POURING LIQUIDS INTO CUPS!

The hardest thing is whipping out espresso shots for multiple orders, because you have to pull the espresso out, press it with the tamper, lock it into the machine and wait while it pours, all while a customer just sits there waiting for you, wondering why you aren’t a magician who makes their latte appear instantly.  But once you get into a rhythm it’s no big deal. And then you steam the milk while the espresso pours!

Well Barista trainee, there you have it.  You are on your way to becoming CEO of Starbucks.  

Any more questions contact me or just call me because this isn’t a real training manual its an email and I am your friend.

GOOD LUCK!

Ali

You before manual: lost and confused and not knowing what coffee is.

You after manual: confident and holding a coffee cup like this.

The Terrible Things That Happen When I Don't Make my Bed.

It is 9pm Pacific Time on a Friday night and I've come to a terrifying realization. I don't...believe I've done anything today.  In fact, I would go as far to say I've done...nothing today.  I wish I had the nerve shrug my shoulders and carelessly chant that Bruno Mars song (I despise that song so, so very much) but the terrible difference is I DID feel like doing something today, I just shot myself in the foot at 11:30am.

I had some serious plans for the day which at least included going for a run and working on my screenplay, if not changing the world or in some way bettering myself and others around me. Above all, these plans included NOT stealing my roommate's cookies because I am so hungry and too lazy to make anything myself.  Fat chance on ALL OF THOSE.

I have one thing to blame for this and it is my bed.  I have a little motto of inspiration for my daily life and it goes like this: "If I can make my bed, I can do anything today!" I haven't told anyone about this motto, but I'm telling you all now because I really think it is the only way I can get anything done.  Here's why: when the bed sits there unmade, there is always the option of curling back into it and giving up on everything.  When the bed is made, only success is possible.

At 11:30am I started to make my bed.  Until this point I had slept in, made breakfast and had a phone conversation with a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile. Fair. Acceptable.  Despite the fact that it was raining and in LA, rain is akin to a Category 4 hurricane, I was ready to face the rain once I made my bed. It is a small twin bed.  Making it is not much of a project.  It is merely a necessary step to move my day forward.  And then...this happened:

11:32am: Straighten bottom sheet and tuck the corners in.

11:32 Receive a text message.

11:33 Pull comforter halfway over bed.

11:33 Receive phone alert of emails.

11:34 Goodbye to all hopes and dreams.

A few emails needed to be attended to, but none of them in any way were playing a huge part in my larger life. But they did take me away from the bed and to the black hole of motivation. I mean, the internet. I believe there was something about negotiating a work shift over Christmas because I'll be on the West Coast by myself for Christmas for the 3rd year in a row (thanks so much JOBS and also, BEING JEWISH). But after that..?  I think maybe I was helping a friend with a problem? Or maybe I looked at my bank statement 8 times to figure out if I was ok or needed to panic?

I think I talked to my friends, I think probably about important things but could I have done that for 9 and a half hours??  I believe I spent time making a Facebook album because I had not posted any pictures of my California life yet, and just wanted to get it over with.  None of this is justification by the way, just terrible, terrible evidence of myself my generation and the things I we do to avoid real honest work. (Phew! Hopefully I can pin this day of failure on others too!)

After that, it was a blur.  I know around 3:45pm I went to my bed to finish making it, and then my friend called me to tell me she had just seen Conan on the street.  And this distraction again took me away from my bed.  My poor bed must have been screaming at me to be made so that I in turn could MAKE something of myself, but it was all over from that point on.

I accompanied my roommate to Chipotle for dinner.  This, I suppose is an active action requiring more effort than typing keys.  Maybe it counts for something.  And even that took effort on my part when she asked me. No..I wanted to say...my chair will be lonely.  The internet will be lonely.  I don't even have a bra on.  How am I still undressed?? There's probably no hope left. Chipotle? Blech. Internet. Only THE INTERNET. But I mustered up an ounce of self esteem. I didn't want her to go by herself, and it saved me from more impending food stealing from my roommates.  Hooray for me.  I returned around 7:30pm, and began to despair for how late it was.  It was too late to go for a run.  Besides, I had just eaten.  I had to comfort my sorrow with the internet.  Maybe a hilarious video? And then, somehow it was 9pm.  WHAT JUST HAPPENED? How is it dark out?  Will I ever succeed at anything in this life?

There was only one thing to do at 9:07pm, to save this lost day, to give me any hopes of going forward towards my goals and making my family proud of me. I think we all know what it was.

"Tomorrow is another day!"--Scarlett O'Hara, Gone With the Wind.

Portland, OR

I'm getting bad at updating this.  You might think it's because I'm too busy to update but that would be giving me too much credit.  I've managed to watch A Walk on the Moon, 2 episodes of Survivor, School Ties, Harold and Maude, Intolerable Cruelty, Antoine Dodson's song (I forgot how good it makes me feel) and every Disney movie opening via YouTube instead of updating my blog.  Bad Ali.  I'm going to do better.

I visited Portland 2 weeks ago, my first time returning since I left after living there for a year.  I had a wonderful weekend and wrote a really sappy diatribe about it on the plane ride home--which I won't relay here, though maybe give the gist.  By the way, I realize this blog about 'Ali in Cali' has only 2 of 7 entries about California right now.  Oopsies.  Well, I never said I played it safe.  Or whatever.  The act of traveling somehow makes my life seem more interesting even though mostly what I did in Portland was get drunk and sit on various couches.

Firstly, Portland has the best airport in the world.  You step out of the terminal and the air is the cleanest you've ever smelled.  The weather isn't the "best"--cloudy/rainy--but it is perfect against the scenery.

MAGICAL

This was my favorite thing about being in Portland.  The pine trees, hills and rivers made me feel like I was living in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon...or some less Asian equivalent.  I suppose Twilight is a more apropos comparison because as we know, I really love Twilight and Robert Pattinson.  In general, it was a beautiful backdrop for a very odd and confusing time in my post-college life. 


Here's my non-favorite thing about Portland.  The 'artists' and all the stupid 'art' they do.  For instance.  This instillation at a gallery we passed by on the way to a bar.  The paintings on the walls are celebrities served on dinner platters/in deadly poses while these babies hung from the ceiling. Man, these artists really are good for a laugh!  

WTF

My ex-roommate (but not ex-friend!!!!) Danny took me to a small Asian seafood market to get oysters, and because I love seafood more than anything except Mac and Cheese (had to make that clear) this was maybe the highlight of the trip.

Live Crabs! Grosssss. Kewllll.

Oysters that we shucked ourselves. Are you salivating or vomiting right now??

On the plane ride back I listened to my "Portland" playlist on my Apple Ipod (obligatory Jobs shout-out) to bring back all da memories. Memories about driving to my internship across the Fremont bridge where you can see the whole city and the Willamette River and the valley beyond.  And hiking in the hills and getting caught in the rain when going for a run and having to stand in the church doorway until it let up.

Here's the end of what I wrote on the plane, in case things haven't gotten gay enough for you yet:

I don’t even recognize the scenery I’m flying over yet--California is still new and I’m barely a resident.  Soon this Portland playlist will stop and I'll be at the airport where my roommates are picking me up. I think my favorite thing to do is go over and over memories, sort out their meaning and just stew in the pangs of nostalgia.  But then I remember how excited I’ve felt about being in California and how elated I am when I go to lecture and see the possibilies for my future.  I know the latter should seem like the better feeling, but no matter how good things seem in the present I think I’ll always want to listen to music that makes me think about places and people in my life, feeling sad in a good way, and dreaming up a past that is sort of like the one that happened.

I hope you all are crying.

You could write these people INTO A SCREENPLAY

Screenwriting classes have been a damn dream thus far, HOWEVER there are a few individuals in lecture who I...sort of hate.  Well, really hate. And yet, I am endlessly amused by them! It's like you could write them into a MOVIE! Pretty meta, eh?? 


Not Aziz Ansari
Probably the most noticeable is Not Aziz Ansari, the either half-mexican or half-indian guy who always sits in the middle of the 4th row. Basically, he looks like Aziz. He is a lifetime member of the peanut gallery who makes hilarious side comments like 'oh hell no', 'he didn't go there' and 'he did go there!'  My favorite comment was two weeks ago, when the professor made an allusion to sex--I believe the quote was "I'm not going to make YOU howl".  The whole class chuckled but NAA laughed over everyone, loudly saying "that was classic!" It was extremely awkward, and the class went silent.  Except for me. I was in tears from that comment. The guy is amazing.


(Sidenote: Why are these paragraph breaks so damn big? Dumb blog.)
I made the mistake (or maybe I did it on purpose?) of sitting next to NAA, who immediately stuck his hand in my face and introduced himself to me.  I immediately forgot his name, because his name is Not Aziz Ansari.  I also made the mistake of taking out my pack of gum.  He latched on to the opportunity.


"Hey, wanna be a friend?"


I thought he had said "Are you being a friend?" in response to me putting gum in my own mouth.


"Oh, yeah...you know, Taco Bell.  I don't want to punish the class."


"No.  You wanna be a friend?"  He was asking for a piece. Obviously.  It was my last piece, but how 
could I say no to a comedian?


Things might have gotten better with him were I not also distracted by: 


New York Guy
Who I was also sitting next to.  We all know this guy.  At first I thought he was totes cute!  But disappointment followed.  He commented to a girl in front of us, who was reading "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer.  
"I thought that book was pretty good." 
Isn't it bad enough you needed to comment on a book someone else is quietly reading? Then you NEED to let everyone else know you read it? And NEED to put your passive aggressive stamp of non-approval on it too?  Christ on a cracker!


But as someone who loves douches and loves confrontation, I wanted to see just how douchey he had the potential to be.


"Why was is only pretty good?"


"I just found it to be insensitive."


"To who?"


"Well, see I'm from NEW YORK.  And the book is about 9/11 and as a person from NEW YORK I felt it was exploitative."  


Ugh.  He was right.  He knew everything. I had nothing to say back.  Except...I did! I knew some things about exploiting 9/11 too!


"Did you see that movie Remember Me? It did sort of the same thing."


"Was that the one with Pierce Brosnan?"


"Yeah, and the Twilight guy."


"Robert Pattinson?  Please, don't act like you don't know his name."


SHUT UP RETARD I FUCKING FORGOT HIS NAME FOR A SECOND.  CLEARLY I LOVE TWILIGHT AND YOU READ JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER AND YOU ARE FROM NEW YORK AND I MUST BE FROM STUPID NON NEW YORK SO WHY AREN'T I SUCKING YOUR DICK RIGHT NOW? WHILE I READ TWILIGHT I MEAN!!


Didn't say that, but should have.  Later in class, our professor said "I didn't want to follow story structure because I thought I was too interesting for story structure...because being from New York, I used to think I was too interesting for anything."  And New York guy?  Laughed and clapped and nodded his head vigorously, so all of us around him would know that He Knows What The Prof is Talkin' Bout!! cause HE'S FROM NEW YORK! THE ONLY PLACE WHERE PEOPLE HAVE CHARACTERISTICS!


Sadly, I feel like my conversations with film guys usually go like that.


Lastly is 


Guy who name drops popular movies


This guy is nowhere as bad as NY guy, and means perfectly well.  He very hilariously brings up popular movie titles as if they were some foreign filmmaker's early career screen test.   He'll be like:
"That reminds me of this film, I don't know if you all have seen it..."American Beauty"...it's 
really quite good."  


or


"You know, I just saw this great movie last week..."Saving Private Ryan"...just incredible."


God Bless you, GWNDPM


Here's hoping I can make some friends, and not just want to stab everyone.
Til next time.

California

Greetings from the Sunshine/Hollywood/Golden/Things growing a lot State!! I forget which one of those is the real one.  After 2 weeks, it's probably about time I post something about this place I've just moved to.

Arriving in California, and I forgot to play a song with "California" in the title. Idiot!

Venice Beach!!! Ya'll ever hear of that one??

After my first night of a mild meltdown, (It takes HOW long to drive on a freeway? You CAN'T just swim in the pacific any time you want?  How much is my rent again?) week one in Los Angeles has mostly consisted of me dropping my jaw every time I walk outside and wanting to kiss the ground everyday because I'LL NEVER BE COLD AGAIN. Look forward to my bitching about all temperatures below 50. It's who I am now guys! Just let me be me. So-Cal Al (tm).

I am essentially living on the UCLA campus which is a very painless way of easing into living here, but also very bizarre. For instance, I'm buying printer cartridges at the campus store, and buying stamps at the student union..?  It doesn't feel right.  It is amusing to watch all the freshman couples in front of their dorms and student organizers yelling at everyone to join different activities, because, they're living it up now, but they're going to be just as fucked as the rest of us when they graduate! Soon they'll know what it is to crumble into tears because you can't get hired at a minimum wage job. I feel like telling every student this every day.  Do you think they would appreciate it??

I am living with 5 girls who are perhaps the nicest girls I've ever met, so you can shove it, everyone who said only Courtney Stodden-types live here! And I thought all stereotypes were true!

Speaking of, everyone who hasn't yet should watch the best song ever. 

Lastly, I am sharing a room again for the first time since studying abroad and it is not at all bad!  Except for my roommate's very unique but terrifying "toast pillow" that scares the shit out of me every night.

I swear I own other clothes besides this shirt.

So Nathalie, if you read this, I love the pillow, I just might turn it around at nights. Sorry for exploiting Toasty on the web. I'll take this down if you want.  

Til' next blog!