What I've learned after 4 months in LA

Alright! Two posts in one night! Looks like that Monday advice was the best thing ever!

Since the point of this blog was to relay my new LA life to my frendz and fam from home, let's quit anymore foreplay and get right to it!

4 THINGS I'VE LEARNED AFTER 4 MONTHS IN LA

1. People in LA aren't flaky, you just have to drive everywhere.

Unrelated, but how cool is this Mad Men advertisement on Sunset Blvd?!?

I'm convinced that 90% of the 'laid back' and 'flaky' traits that get attached to Southern California are due to the traffic.

If you don't live down the block from a friend or associate, you have to drive. Sometimes in rush hour. This means an automatic 45-60 minutes in the car. So "I'd love to see you soon" often becomes "I'll see you when our hangout becomes worth 60+ minutes of my fucking traffic time. See? Los Angeles people are actually wonderful!

Also, people don't get mad at you if you are late for class or work or a meeting because you always have the excuse of "I got stuck in traffic". And everyone buys this excuse because it's true all the time. Which is why it's extra amazing when you decide to sleep in and your boss/teacher is like "Poor girl, I bet it's the traffic."

2. People in LA aren't superficial, they just can't help that movie stars are bred here.

Angelinos (sorry for that using that term) might tend towards a more image-obsessed lifestyle, but only in the sense that East Coasters 'tend' towards a snobby and cynical lifestyle and midwesterners tend towards a fat and naive lifestyle. They're just stereotypes with some slight truth basis in some places.

That being said when the stereotypes are true, then are hilarious and wonderful. The people here who are the most obsessed with working out are definitely the men. I've met several males who do marathons and Iron Men ...ALL THE TIME. That is what they do with their lives. For a living. One said "I was acting for a while, but now I just train for marathons." You've got me.

3. Everything is an opportunity.

If you're trying to "make" it in LA or even if you're NOT trying to make it in LA, you will come across someone who wants to put you on TV. I don't mean they always actually want to put you on TV, they just will very obliquely insinuate it. For instance, when I was waitressing 2 month ago, I served 3 older, distinguished looking gentlemen who thought I was the most charming person they'd ever come met.
I can't remember the exact words exchanged, but I bet it sounded something like this:

Gentleman 1: Hey waitress, it's a little chilly out here, don't you think?

Me: You know, it sure is! How about I turn these heat lamps on!

Gentleman 2: Heat lamps? That's incredible!

Me: Well boys, I'm a solution-finder! (Stop groaning)

Gentleman 3: You're very animated. Are you an actress?

Me: An actress? Oh heck no! That crazy business? I'm trying to be a screenwriter!

G2: A writer, eh? That can be a lonely life.

Me: Well golly! That's why I also do improv!!!! So I can LAUGH and don't have to take myself too seriously all the time!!

G3: Wow! You've got quite a business going on! Do you know that my friend here is a producer?

Me: Uh..what? Cool, I mean, why would I be interested in that?

G1: Here's my card.

(Instead of taking his card so I have his information I stupidly write down my information on the card instead and give it to him)

G1: Are you looking for employment opportunities outside this job?

Me: Errr, not really. I'd prefer to be a waitress my whole life. Not interested.

Me: JUST KIDDING!

G2: Hahaha! What a charmer! We would love to be in touch with you. Start preparing your academy award speech!

Me: You guys, stop! Here I just thought it was a normal day and look how my life is changing!

END SCENE

Alright, I exaggerated most of that, but the point is. Even though those guys DIDN'T end up contacting me (I should have taken that fucking card) maybe they would have. Or maybe someday they'll be desperate, find my card and call my number. Probably not, but the point is everything is an opportunity. And while you are trying to make whatever aspirations come true through actual hard work, little opportunities like that make every day a little more exciting.

And lastly,
4. Los Angeles is a city like any other city it's just warmer and some people here make movies.

The End.

EVERYONE'S MOVING OUT HERE? GREAT!!!

No seasonal depressive disorder in these parts!

Ringing in da 2012!!! (NSFW)

Hi friends and lovers!! Did that (NSFW) draw you in? Good! Because what it stands for is Now: (for) Some Funny Words. Haaaa fooled ya! But now that you're on this page, might as well see what I'm going to say, right? Let's see if it's worth it!

I know I promised to update this Westward Hoe blog more, and it turned out that "more" meant "not at all".  I apologize, but, seriously how much is a promise worth on the internet? Absolutely nothing. So I'm not going to feel too badly about it. I'm going to take the pressure off myself to update this, which will hopefully reverse psychology myself to do the opposite. "Reverse Psychology" is now a verb I think!!

HAVE I LOST YOUR ATTENTION YET?  I PROMISE TO MAKE THIS ENTERTAINING. Do we need a picture? Let's see what's on the hard drive.

Me and my new LA boyfriend. lol how embarrassing he made me take it

And while I am not going to feel bad for not updating more, because it's a new year, there are some things I genuinely DO feel badly about and could probably do better for 2012. Real quick, I'm just going to list off some things I want to apologize for doing this year.

Firstly, and most importantly I want to apologize (to no deity or person in particular) for not celebrating Yom Kippur this year in the least. It is the ONE thing I both observe every year as a Jewish person AND that I actually take seriously, and just because I forgot the date and booked a plane ticket to Portland didn't mean I had to totally disregard the holiday to get drunk and eat food that most likely wasn't even kosher. I mean, I don't know what choice I HAD once I had a ticket booked but I feel bad irregardless. Next year I promise to fast and repent so hard that Judaism gives me another chance.

Secondly, I want to apologize for texting and driving all the time. LA traffic makes it SO easy to do. I realize I am putting myself in danger but jeez, it's like nowadays if you don't respond to texts and emails right away, you are 12 steps behind in the rat race. So I don't know which sacrifice to make.

Thirdly...I can't think of too much else right now, partially because one of my mottos in life is 'no regrets' so I'm happy to keep this short.

Hmmm. If it sounds like I'm not putting enough stock into "The New Year" or "What a New Year Means", I'd like to share some wisdom that one of my coworkers told me recently.

"I hate New Years. Here's why. Everyone thinks it's a time to start over and do things better. And yet everyone hates Mondays. Are you kidding me? Monday is every week's New Years! You can do something better for yourself every week of the year!"

I don't know, that was kind of inspiring. I have to agree with him. And how fitting that I'm writing this post on a MONDAY. Life is incredible like that.

I have more thoughts (WHAT? I DO?) but they are unrelated to New Years, half ass apologies or 2012, so I'll leave them to the next post.


And fine, I will leave something here that is actually NSFW:
Most inappropriate thing I've seen in my life.


Til next time!!!!

Good times to play Leonard Cohen

--When putting someone sleeping in a trunk.

--When swimming through molasses.

--When making some bombs.

--When you are really high and for some reason your itunes is malfunctioning and can't play either Radiohead, Phish, Miles Davis, Yanni, Bjork, LFO or Barbra Streisand.

--When your class assignment is to sit at home and try and imagine what it was like to be Jeffrey Dahmer.

--When reading Beowulf.

--When you hate a kid you are babysitting for and then play it at night when they are sleeping and then they don't know why, but they have negative thoughts associated with you and ask their mom not to have you over anymore, problem solved.