I'M BACK + Completely Free Coffee Training Manual

I know, I know. This blog has taken a very decisive nose dive in the last few weeks.  I haven't updated and anyone (I mean, the millions) who have gone to this website recently see a post about me not making my bed. Very sorry about that. Despite that post, I actually have been doing things with myself in my two months since moving to Los Angeles and I will do a better job to convey them here. 

I have two jobs to support my rent and living (drinking). One of them is being a barista (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG HERE IT WAS A VERY HARD JOB TO GET), which I only do one/two days a week because it takes me out of Westwood all the way to West Hollywood, so I can feel like I live in LA and not just UCLA fantasy camp. I enjoy this job because I open the shop at 6am and for the most part serve the coffee by myself; thus I feel very big and important and independent.

Welcome to my shop! As one of several baristas, I think I can call it my own!

Unexpectedly, this job came in handy when my lovely friend Nora called me from NYC asking if I could tell her some things about being a barista so she could apply for a barista job, as she too is going to Writing School and let's face it, all writers should be baristas. Right? Makes sense to me.

Long story short, I ended up writing a mini-manual.  In the end, her barista interview turned out to be delivering crepes for a Russian mobster (sooo NYC), and while she DID see Jake Gyllenhaal run into the store (HOMINAHOMINAstoryforadifferentblogwriteitNora), that barista job was not to be. 

HOWEVER, she reassured me that my manual was very helpful and should be published somewhere for others to see. So for the Unemployed and Underpaid who are desperately needing Any Job They Can Get, don't say I never did anything for you:

Just thought we needed a quick picture break

MY BARISTA TRAINING MANUAL

Welcome New Barista!  This is your training manual.  In it you will find the most helpful and fast steps to becoming your city’s best provider of coffee and other caffeinated (an non caffeinated beverages).  I’ll see you at the top!

First thing’s first! 

Coffee! The most simple thing to provide, and also the most frequently ordered.  Can you believe how many people just want a simple cup of coffee in the mornings? Every time a customer orders a tall coffee, you silently thank them because all you have to do is push on a carafe and watch the coffee come out into a cup. Can you believe you are getting paid for this? What a cool job!

The only trick to serving coffee is to NOT RUN OUT.  Always make sure there is a backup carafe and to keep that backup full as much as you can.  If someone wants Decaf, well then pour the damn Decaf.  Sometimes people will ask for a half-and-half, or a Half-Caf.  This might throw you off until you remember your logic. In that case, dear barista-in-training--you will pour half coffee and half decaf into a cup. WHAT A CONCEPT, EH?

Next up is the world of Espresso.  Not quite as easy as pushing the coffee carafe.  Every time a customer orders an Espresso drink, you may not feel as warmly towards them. Resist the urge, barista-in-training, to show any signs of discomfort or pain. Remember--if you can do this, you can do it all.

Your place of work should have a. an espresso grinder b. a tamper c. portafilter and d. the machine itself

If I could draw pictures on here I would, but I can’t, because this is basically a Word Document. So I’m going to direct you to this link

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-an-Espresso-(Espresso-Machine-Coffee)

Start the video at step 3 (ignore the stuff about adding water and grinding.  Your coffee shop’s machines should do that all on its own unless it’s the poorest coffee shop on the planet. In this case try looking elsewhere for work.) and you should get the general idea of how to make a shot of espresso.

Now--THE NITTY GRITY:

If someone orders a double latte, they want two shots of espresso with steamed milk.  Double nonfat latte= two shots of espresso with nonfat milk.  Single soy latte= one shot of espresso with steamed soy milk. Always pour the espresso first, then the milk. Someday you may pour the milk so well that you get fancy shapes! Don't think I can't see you smiling about this!

STEAMING MILK:  Pour milk into a metal container-cup (35% up for a single, 50% up for a double. THESE ARE GUESTIMATIONS SEE WHAT YOUR TRAINER SAYS DON’T BLAME ME IF YOU GET FIRED) Then stick the steaming wand into the cup and turn the steaming knob on.  Milk is ready when the metal container becomes almost too hot to touch.  Almost meaning, don’t burn your hand.  To make Cappuccinos, do the same as Lattes but use more FOAM than steamed milk.

To make FOAM, steam the milk and “Stretch” it by pulling the wand out slowly, so it bubbles at the top of the milk.  Honestly, just Youtube ‘stretching steamed milk’ or ‘making foam’ to see it. Sort of hard to explain here.

Did you get all that?  It’s a lot, I know--and I kind of came at you real fast, but the great news is: you now know how to do about 90% of barista duties.

Let’s kick it into overdrive! 

Other drinks include:

Cafe Au Lait: Half Coffee, half steamed milk.  What? You already know HOW to steam milk! Great job!

Macchiato: A little bit of foam on top of a shot of espresso (a double macchiato would be foam on top of 2 shots. right??)

Mocha: A latte with cocoa powder or chocolate syrup at the bottom of the cup. Chocolate goes in first!  If its vanilla syrup, why then its a Vanilla latte! You know so FREAKING MUCH YOU AWESOME BARISTA!

Americano: Espresso and hot water. It’s sort of like coffee but not, right?  Only trick here it to pour the water first.  Otherwise the espresso shots burn the bottom of the (paper) coffee cup. Or something. I don’t know. Maybe that’s an old wive's tale. It’s what someone told me once. I think it tastes better that way. Just do it.

Hot Tea: Stick a goddamned tea bag in some mothafuckin water dumb dumb!

Tea latte: Stick a mothafuckin tea bag in half a thing of water and pour some steamed milk into that biznas, you hot bitch!

If someone orders an Iced latte, you hug and kiss them because you don't have to steam the milk!! They have just given you the gift of doing a simple task: Ice in a cup, espresso, and cold milk from the carton.  If its an Iced Chai, bless their heart, all you have to do it pour cold milk and chai concentrate in a cup over ice. BLESS THOSE LITTLE DEARS they are making your job simple! You are getting paid for POURING LIQUIDS INTO CUPS!

The hardest thing is whipping out espresso shots for multiple orders, because you have to pull the espresso out, press it with the tamper, lock it into the machine and wait while it pours, all while a customer just sits there waiting for you, wondering why you aren’t a magician who makes their latte appear instantly.  But once you get into a rhythm it’s no big deal. And then you steam the milk while the espresso pours!

Well Barista trainee, there you have it.  You are on your way to becoming CEO of Starbucks.  

Any more questions contact me or just call me because this isn’t a real training manual its an email and I am your friend.

GOOD LUCK!

Ali

You before manual: lost and confused and not knowing what coffee is.

You after manual: confident and holding a coffee cup like this.

The Terrible Things That Happen When I Don't Make my Bed.

It is 9pm Pacific Time on a Friday night and I've come to a terrifying realization. I don't...believe I've done anything today.  In fact, I would go as far to say I've done...nothing today.  I wish I had the nerve shrug my shoulders and carelessly chant that Bruno Mars song (I despise that song so, so very much) but the terrible difference is I DID feel like doing something today, I just shot myself in the foot at 11:30am.

I had some serious plans for the day which at least included going for a run and working on my screenplay, if not changing the world or in some way bettering myself and others around me. Above all, these plans included NOT stealing my roommate's cookies because I am so hungry and too lazy to make anything myself.  Fat chance on ALL OF THOSE.

I have one thing to blame for this and it is my bed.  I have a little motto of inspiration for my daily life and it goes like this: "If I can make my bed, I can do anything today!" I haven't told anyone about this motto, but I'm telling you all now because I really think it is the only way I can get anything done.  Here's why: when the bed sits there unmade, there is always the option of curling back into it and giving up on everything.  When the bed is made, only success is possible.

At 11:30am I started to make my bed.  Until this point I had slept in, made breakfast and had a phone conversation with a friend I hadn't talked to in awhile. Fair. Acceptable.  Despite the fact that it was raining and in LA, rain is akin to a Category 4 hurricane, I was ready to face the rain once I made my bed. It is a small twin bed.  Making it is not much of a project.  It is merely a necessary step to move my day forward.  And then...this happened:

11:32am: Straighten bottom sheet and tuck the corners in.

11:32 Receive a text message.

11:33 Pull comforter halfway over bed.

11:33 Receive phone alert of emails.

11:34 Goodbye to all hopes and dreams.

A few emails needed to be attended to, but none of them in any way were playing a huge part in my larger life. But they did take me away from the bed and to the black hole of motivation. I mean, the internet. I believe there was something about negotiating a work shift over Christmas because I'll be on the West Coast by myself for Christmas for the 3rd year in a row (thanks so much JOBS and also, BEING JEWISH). But after that..?  I think maybe I was helping a friend with a problem? Or maybe I looked at my bank statement 8 times to figure out if I was ok or needed to panic?

I think I talked to my friends, I think probably about important things but could I have done that for 9 and a half hours??  I believe I spent time making a Facebook album because I had not posted any pictures of my California life yet, and just wanted to get it over with.  None of this is justification by the way, just terrible, terrible evidence of myself my generation and the things I we do to avoid real honest work. (Phew! Hopefully I can pin this day of failure on others too!)

After that, it was a blur.  I know around 3:45pm I went to my bed to finish making it, and then my friend called me to tell me she had just seen Conan on the street.  And this distraction again took me away from my bed.  My poor bed must have been screaming at me to be made so that I in turn could MAKE something of myself, but it was all over from that point on.

I accompanied my roommate to Chipotle for dinner.  This, I suppose is an active action requiring more effort than typing keys.  Maybe it counts for something.  And even that took effort on my part when she asked me. No..I wanted to say...my chair will be lonely.  The internet will be lonely.  I don't even have a bra on.  How am I still undressed?? There's probably no hope left. Chipotle? Blech. Internet. Only THE INTERNET. But I mustered up an ounce of self esteem. I didn't want her to go by herself, and it saved me from more impending food stealing from my roommates.  Hooray for me.  I returned around 7:30pm, and began to despair for how late it was.  It was too late to go for a run.  Besides, I had just eaten.  I had to comfort my sorrow with the internet.  Maybe a hilarious video? And then, somehow it was 9pm.  WHAT JUST HAPPENED? How is it dark out?  Will I ever succeed at anything in this life?

There was only one thing to do at 9:07pm, to save this lost day, to give me any hopes of going forward towards my goals and making my family proud of me. I think we all know what it was.

"Tomorrow is another day!"--Scarlett O'Hara, Gone With the Wind.