I know, I know. This blog has taken a very decisive nose dive in the last few weeks. I haven't updated and anyone (I mean, the millions) who have gone to this website recently see a post about me not making my bed. Very sorry about that. Despite that post, I actually have been doing things with myself in my two months since moving to Los Angeles and I will do a better job to convey them here.
I have two jobs to support my rent and living (drinking). One of them is being a barista (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG HERE IT WAS A VERY HARD JOB TO GET), which I only do one/two days a week because it takes me out of Westwood all the way to West Hollywood, so I can feel like I live in LA and not just UCLA fantasy camp. I enjoy this job because I open the shop at 6am and for the most part serve the coffee by myself; thus I feel very big and important and independent.
Welcome to my shop! As one of several baristas, I think I can call it my own!
Unexpectedly, this job came in handy when my lovely friend Nora called me from NYC asking if I could tell her some things about being a barista so she could apply for a barista job, as she too is going to Writing School and let's face it, all writers should be baristas. Right? Makes sense to me.
Long story short, I ended up writing a mini-manual. In the end, her barista interview turned out to be delivering crepes for a Russian mobster (sooo NYC), and while she DID see Jake Gyllenhaal run into the store (HOMINAHOMINAstoryforadifferentblogwriteitNora), that barista job was not to be.
HOWEVER, she reassured me that my manual was very helpful and should be published somewhere for others to see. So for the Unemployed and Underpaid who are desperately needing Any Job They Can Get, don't say I never did anything for you:
Just thought we needed a quick picture break
MY BARISTA TRAINING MANUAL
Welcome New Barista! This is your training manual. In it you will find the most helpful and fast steps to becoming your city’s best provider of coffee and other caffeinated (an non caffeinated beverages). I’ll see you at the top!
First thing’s first!
Coffee! The most simple thing to provide, and also the most frequently ordered. Can you believe how many people just want a simple cup of coffee in the mornings? Every time a customer orders a tall coffee, you silently thank them because all you have to do is push on a carafe and watch the coffee come out into a cup. Can you believe you are getting paid for this? What a cool job!
The only trick to serving coffee is to NOT RUN OUT. Always make sure there is a backup carafe and to keep that backup full as much as you can. If someone wants Decaf, well then pour the damn Decaf. Sometimes people will ask for a half-and-half, or a Half-Caf. This might throw you off until you remember your logic. In that case, dear barista-in-training--you will pour half coffee and half decaf into a cup. WHAT A CONCEPT, EH?
Next up is the world of Espresso. Not quite as easy as pushing the coffee carafe. Every time a customer orders an Espresso drink, you may not feel as warmly towards them. Resist the urge, barista-in-training, to show any signs of discomfort or pain. Remember--if you can do this, you can do it all.
Your place of work should have a. an espresso grinder b. a tamper c. portafilter and d. the machine itself
If I could draw pictures on here I would, but I can’t, because this is basically a Word Document. So I’m going to direct you to this link
Start the video at step 3 (ignore the stuff about adding water and grinding. Your coffee shop’s machines should do that all on its own unless it’s the poorest coffee shop on the planet. In this case try looking elsewhere for work.) and you should get the general idea of how to make a shot of espresso.
Now--THE NITTY GRITY:
If someone orders a double latte, they want two shots of espresso with steamed milk. Double nonfat latte= two shots of espresso with nonfat milk. Single soy latte= one shot of espresso with steamed soy milk. Always pour the espresso first, then the milk. Someday you may pour the milk so well that you get fancy shapes! Don't think I can't see you smiling about this!
STEAMING MILK: Pour milk into a metal container-cup (35% up for a single, 50% up for a double. THESE ARE GUESTIMATIONS SEE WHAT YOUR TRAINER SAYS DON’T BLAME ME IF YOU GET FIRED) Then stick the steaming wand into the cup and turn the steaming knob on. Milk is ready when the metal container becomes almost too hot to touch. Almost meaning, don’t burn your hand. To make Cappuccinos, do the same as Lattes but use more FOAM than steamed milk.
To make FOAM, steam the milk and “Stretch” it by pulling the wand out slowly, so it bubbles at the top of the milk. Honestly, just Youtube ‘stretching steamed milk’ or ‘making foam’ to see it. Sort of hard to explain here.
Did you get all that? It’s a lot, I know--and I kind of came at you real fast, but the great news is: you now know how to do about 90% of barista duties.
Let’s kick it into overdrive!
Other drinks include:
Cafe Au Lait: Half Coffee, half steamed milk. What? You already know HOW to steam milk! Great job!
Macchiato: A little bit of foam on top of a shot of espresso (a double macchiato would be foam on top of 2 shots. right??)
Mocha: A latte with cocoa powder or chocolate syrup at the bottom of the cup. Chocolate goes in first! If its vanilla syrup, why then its a Vanilla latte! You know so FREAKING MUCH YOU AWESOME BARISTA!
Americano: Espresso and hot water. It’s sort of like coffee but not, right? Only trick here it to pour the water first. Otherwise the espresso shots burn the bottom of the (paper) coffee cup. Or something. I don’t know. Maybe that’s an old wive's tale. It’s what someone told me once. I think it tastes better that way. Just do it.
Hot Tea: Stick a goddamned tea bag in some mothafuckin water dumb dumb!
Tea latte: Stick a mothafuckin tea bag in half a thing of water and pour some steamed milk into that biznas, you hot bitch!
If someone orders an Iced latte, you hug and kiss them because you don't have to steam the milk!! They have just given you the gift of doing a simple task: Ice in a cup, espresso, and cold milk from the carton. If its an Iced Chai, bless their heart, all you have to do it pour cold milk and chai concentrate in a cup over ice. BLESS THOSE LITTLE DEARS they are making your job simple! You are getting paid for POURING LIQUIDS INTO CUPS!
The hardest thing is whipping out espresso shots for multiple orders, because you have to pull the espresso out, press it with the tamper, lock it into the machine and wait while it pours, all while a customer just sits there waiting for you, wondering why you aren’t a magician who makes their latte appear instantly. But once you get into a rhythm it’s no big deal. And then you steam the milk while the espresso pours!
Well Barista trainee, there you have it. You are on your way to becoming CEO of Starbucks.
Any more questions contact me or just call me because this isn’t a real training manual its an email and I am your friend.
GOOD LUCK!
Ali
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| You before manual: lost and confused and not knowing what coffee is. |
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| You after manual: confident and holding a coffee cup like this. |
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